Archive for the ‘control’ tag
if you’ve been following me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that my dad is in the hospital. Here’s all the details since I’ve been mostly generalizing things. On December 16, my dad had a brain tumor removed from over his cerebellum. I was in the hospital at the time with him and the surgery completely removed the tumor. He went back to Elizabeth City, NC, where he lives, a few days later after the doctors said it was ok. He was home (not by himself, but no I wasn’t there) and had a seizure on Christmas night. He went to the ER, they treated him and sent him home. He then had another seizure early early morning on Monday and then sent him back to the hospital were he had his surgery done. That’s when I get a call telling me where he is and a little bit about what is going on. Since then, his mental state has declined and he went from talking, to just saying his name but being able to wiggle his toes on command to not doing anything but sleeping. As of today, he opened his eyes when asked to twice and he gave the nurse a thumbs up this morning. Progress. The only bad thing is that this actions haven’t really repeated themselves throughout the day.
My dad had thyroid cancer around 2005 which even after taking out his thyroid, the cancer has shown up in other spots in his body. They were all treated and the latest was this spot in his brain. He’s diabetic, has high blood pressure and is hard headed. His wishes include “No Blood” and “Do Not Resuscitate” which I don’t agree with but it’s his religion, not mine. Anyway, a lot of treatments were going on without me knowing it since I was off at school and elsewhere so I had no idea the extent of the cancer.
So that brings me back to today. My dad is sitting in this crazy limbo state. The doctors haven’t come to a real conclusion as to why any of this stuff is going on. They are treating him like he has an infection just in case there is one that they aren’t seeing. His kidneys weren’t working all that well but they have been getting better. The doctors “think” that maybe once his kidneys are all better, he’ll just come right out of this state. As of right now, we play a waiting game.
As for me, I’m coming back to Raleigh shortly. (I have a butt doctor appointment Friday yay) I’ve been in the hospital with him but I’m overwhelmed with all of this. I’m the one who has to make all the decisions for him. Now that I know what’s really going on with him health-wise, I’m even more confused. I had a doctor straight up ask me how long I wanted him treated for and how aggressively. That was the worst question of my life because I had no clue what his wishes are. I just want my daddy to live and be able to walk me down the aisle one day.
So my point of this is yes to update you guys on what the hell is going on with me but to also say, talk to your parents and loved ones about their wishes. Make sure you aren’t kept in the dark. You need to do it now before they are in a state where they can’t make decisions for themselves.
Oh and please stop asking me if I’m ok…I’m not smashing lamps over my head but when I breakdown, you guys will know. Promise.
I’ve been in bed since Wednesday. I’m sure at some point in my life, it will be great to spend almost 5 full days in bed…maybe with someone but this was not the case this week. This week, my fear for my job, hurt my health in a major way.
I haven’t been selling as many cars as I’ve wanted/needed to in the past few weeks. November was a hard month for the dealership and for me so I know I have to REALLY be on the top of my game in order to keep my job. I like getting paid and I work hard to try to make sure that I keep getting paid. Well I started feeling sick at the start of December but ignored it. Read the rest of this entry »
SO… It’s almost May and haven’t blogged much because I’ve been so freaking busy. Here’s a recap of my life in JUST the last two weeks: I put in my notice at work. My (not) boyfriend got laid off at his job (Last Tuesday). I’m having a yard sale to sell all my stuff tomorrow. (on a business’s property since I’ve been kicked off my own lawn) The (not) boyfriend has already gotten a job (got an offer today). Same company, different position, and his dream location. (lucky him!!)
The voice in my head is screaming: “WHAT ABOUT ME??? Read the rest of this entry »
I love to drive. I always forget about this fact until I’m in my car, shades on, music blaring, going 50 down the highway. Every time my car has broken down, I’ve gotten a little depressed. It’s not always about the cost of repair (unless I need ANOTHER new engine) it’s more about the fact of giving up control of my life. What if I want to go see a movie/shop/run away? Oh, I can’t because my car is in the shop and I’m at the mercy of my mechanic. It’s scary! Thinking about this reminds me that only I can control my life. I can either get in the car and drive or I can continue to let others drive me around. My drive/ride will always be changing. I may not always like the scenery outside of my window so I can stay or I can get the heck out of there.
I’m also in charge of who rides with me on my drive. I honestly got a 4 door car with my friends in mind. I wanted to be able to pick them up if they needed me to and I want to have room for as many people as safely possible. When my friends ride, we either agree or compromise on the destination. Sometimes it’s perfectly ok to sit back and let others drive. We all need to remember that sometimes but you have to trust that the person driving is going to take you where you both wanted to go.
So I’m excited right now to find some new roads that I haven’t gone down yet and hopefully one of these roads will lead me to where I need to be. For now, I’m just enjoying the drive.